Fear

Is bad. People speak of a healthy fear. There is no such thing. Healthy respect of perhaps, caution yes, fear no. This doesn't mean you'll never be scared, but no fear. Never do anything motivated by fear. It weakens you. What? you are saying. Well i think a particular fear of mine has been eclipsed by a bigger fear. Due to the nature of the fears, and the audience ( a wise master never reveals all his secrets) they shall rename nameless. You can assume, read into if you must, but be warned you are probably way off track. I am in my knight in shinning armor mood right now ( which off course may mean i'm feeling bad about myself, brent is and can be the most bestest gentleman and maybe just maybe he hasn't been being said person), which means i contemplate lofty concepts. Things should be done for the right reasons, not fear. Fear has no place in a knights heart ( feeling poetic as well). I should not fear. And yet i do. I fear being that gentleman, and i fear not being. I'm not sure i like myself this way but i don't want to be a prick either. I don't do halfway very good. Unless, like right now i'm being indecisive, then i do it extremely well. I must choose one or the other. I know which one i want to choose. But...damn it! i hate being indecisive, stuck between to things, vacillating back and forth. To many Sir Walter Scott novels undoubtedly. wishing i could type a blue streak right now, it'd release some of this dam pressure. I'm taking myself to seriously right now. Breathe. Laugh. Ok, now...procrastinate! Feeling much better.

back from the dead

so maybe i havent been posting very regularly. Big woop. Ok news and notes from brents life. Back from thanksgiving break. Was good. Except the intermidable drive through texas. I may hate texas now. Its flat. Boring. we should nuke it. Nuff said. The play is now in the last week. Its tech week. We also have an awfull comercial thats going to drive people away playing today. Happy? no. i'm not. how'd you geuss? your very perceptive. today is personality day for brent. Am wearing my rocker t-shirt my converse all stars, my big ae bracelt and my hair in a mowhawk ( avery laid back one, more like a ridge of hair down the middle of my head). Very happy to be home and have my gym back. Muscles feeling pumped. right have to peruse some news ( that rymes)

I get the part

I, ladies and gents will be performing my first ever Greek tradegy as a main charecter ( there are two). Its going to be way differnt than anything i've ever done,ever ( granted i've only done two plays). So this is a big ego trip. This would be my third consecutive play. I like to think this means i'm a good actor. Problem is this whole thing has me wondering. I feel a distinct call to missions, but i think God gave me this ability for a reason. Not that God doesnt just do stuff just cause some times, i think this gift is ...well special. Why me? and how do i apply this to missions? One of my friends came up with the interesting idea ( without me evan mentioning it) starting some sort of theater ministry. It wouldnt be all that much to add theater to my major , do a double major( suposedly its only 20 some odd hours) . I could still minor in something ellse and probably have hours to spair. If i do this however, b. merrill will be hitting the old theater department up for some scholarships, they want me, their going to have to buy me so to speak. which after this year ( if i make it into the play after this, which i may do just for releaf, its a comedy) i'll have four plays under my belt. I'll have built some sort of audiance who likes me, proved i can act, a little leverage so to speak. Not to mentions scholarships would really make me feel a whole lot better about coming back to oc next year. But will see, i have to survive finals week first, well i have stuff to do, notabley read flags of our fathers, i mean write a paper, yes thats what i mean.

Sensorism at its finest

It was there for all of two seconds. It was long, i was tired, my sister was being a jerkface, so whoosh it disappeared never to be seen again. It was fun. Very ego tripping. Felt good. Damm good. From the first couple sentences i skimmed it was a rant about me and my girlfriend. Ok so we're freshman. Hence a freshman relationship. She way to practical. You don't have to see the end of the relationship the second you start it to have one. You don't have to know its going to last forever and ever. In fact you could possibly predict it wont. Doesn't mean a thing. Anything can happen in relationships, from breaking up and hating each other for the rest of your lives to getting married, take your freakin' time, you got heaps of it, have some fun together and see were it all goes. Just don't be angry in the end. Stop trying to manage everything sis, take a deep breath, and enjoy.

Back from the dead

Ok sorry, so much has been going on it seems like years have passed and it realy only been a weak, maybe time just moves slow in Oklahoma. First its time to rant. So i was in the girls dorm lobby, round aboutish the time that all the good freshman guys were bringing thier chicks home so they could make curfew. really, i would have ( if i had had the energy) to punch them in the face. You have several types, i'll list as many as my sleep deprived brain allows. First theirs the i cant stop kissing you in public type. I've nothing against kissing, go for the gold chum, but i don't especially want to watch you. Wham, nice smash to the chin. Second we have the i have a girlfriend, and a cunning little smile that will make you believe that we're having sex and aren't you so jealous? No actually i'm not. I'm tired, the only reason i'm still awake is it was only forty minutes till curfew when we got back ( ok maybe more like fifty) and fifty minutes isn't going to add much to my sleep time. Punch. Then off course theres the engineering major that was hitting on my girlfriend. With another girl. Trying to pretend he's all that. Wham. Smash. Through the window. Then theres the uber serious i may die of not seeing you for eight hours type. Knee. Look i'm doing the whole freshman thing. We're having fun. but we're not taking ourselves seriously. In fact i think, at times, the whole romantic thing cracks us up. Literally. We don't panic when we're not together ( which i must admit isn't very often), and we're not having sex, don't plan to, and don't feel all that left out because we're not. Punch mister smug smile again. Well i'm tired, need sleep.

Helo fans

Sorry for the silence, little brenty has been sick. So between school, sleeping and play practice there has been very little time to communicate with the outside world. Life is still good. The play is coming along well, as is my relationship, which for the record is completely different than me and Pr's. Its weird, all my grand theories blown out of the water. Girls are truly amaizing and confusing all at the same time. Well the sis is no longer dating maintenence guy. Deets? none whatever, and if i had them undoubtedly my honor would prevent me from publishing them all over the web. Well going to go read some old user friendly.

Thought

first a story that will make you laugh. I have had one of those defining grown up moments. One of those moments that you look back on and say,man am i grown up. Its like the first time you dont take that onion of your hamburger. Mine as indicated was much less grown up more funny. I have discovered the wonder of........non chew able vitamins. So i work out a lot, i think, brent you need a multi vitamin. So i go down to the store and pick myself up some centrum. The directions say take once a day with food. Alright i can do that. After breakfast one day i pop my pill and chew. Not good. Very not good. Nuff said.

The second relationship

Ok this is my second adventure into the world of guy/ female romantic relationships. Problem is i think I'm stuck in high school relationship ( or college freshman if you prefer). Predictions? if it lasts past Christmas break i shall be very much suprised. Why then, Mr. Merrill if you know its doomed, why? I have little or no experience with girls, the only way to gain said understanding of the female mind is to do this sort of thing. Second I'm a freshman, for all my grown up ideas, I'm enjoying this. Its nice to have someone you don't have to carry on a meaningfully conversation with just hold her hand. Granted the future prospects of this relationship are slim. Relationships are like houses, you have to build them, they don't just happen. Thought and careful preparation has to be put into them, this may not be very romantic, but its true. To build to last you have to do more than just being in "love" ( its been a whole 2 days being official, give me some time to remove the rather cynical apostrophes). This relationship frankly wasn't in my day planner of possible relationship, it happened more because the girl wasn't interested in me than i in the girl. It not being in the old day planner also means that i am currently ( i think) breaking a few hearts. Hearts i very much would have liked to get to know and possibly date. Makes me feel like a smuck. On the other hand i'm like, well i have really no responsibility in the area of other people havening crushs on me so, whatever. That and to say that i had no romantic feelings for the girlfriend would be a lie. I do. I am, because of the recentness of our relationship, unwilling to commit myself because this could be puppy love, lasts a week and the next week your bored. Well back to my work out.

No longer single

I , brent have made the plunge. Am no longer single. Scarred? Yes very much so. Currently discussing marriage with a friend on Im ( he started it). Not for a long time. Not for a very looooooooooonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggggggggggg time. The prospect of marriage sends shivers down the old spine. Lots of them. A freakin' heard of them. Time, i have time. lots of it. Four years. Evan more than that if i want. That word creeps me out. Ok so get back to my conversation.

Musings

Can you see me falling?
Can you her me calling?
For you.
So afraid its all fake.
So afraid of making that mistake.
Missing your head on my shoulder,
Missing you getting close 'cause the wind just got colder.